Serving an Illogical God

Recently I flew from Nashville, Tennessee to Chicago, Illinois. Before arriving in Chicago I had a layover in Orlando, Florida. While on my flight out of Nashville I was thinking about how strange layovers are. Honestly, many of the layovers I have had in the span of my life logically don’t make any sense to me. Fly south to then after three hours at a random airport, get back on an airplane and retrace your previous route north to get to your final destination… I just don’t get it. I spent quite a few minutes trying to wrap my head around the layover system when I started dwelling on my experiences this summer in Africa. I began reminiscing on the many times God showed up. Testimonies began to flood my mind of the countless times the Lord moved and nine out of ten times His ways made absolutely no scenes to me.

One of the biggest things the Lord taught me this summer was that because I only see, know, and understand in part, His ways may never be logical to me. I used to think that because I was walking through a confusing season or I wasn’t seeing how God could possibly be moving, that I had to jump in and fix the situation on my own. That it was my responsibility and duty to take my Bob The Builder belt off and use my limited tools to make my ideas and my plans come to be.

The reality is, many times God is simply illogical (just like my dumb layover) but day in and day out His plans are far better than mine! When my plans don’t work out and when I don’t understand why things are happening in my life, I can stand firm in the truth that God hears my prayers, catches my tears, keeps His promises, and HE IS MOVING. I’m learning how to take off my Bob The Builder tool belt and instead pick up the ultimate tool, the Word of Life. To fully surrender and trust in my loving Father.

I want to be so transparent with you right now and say I still struggle in this area. There are areas of my life that are extremely difficult for me to surrender and trust that the Lord can bring beauty from ashes. I have walked through seasons of life where I went days even weeks when there were no words left to even pray but instead I showed up and brought my tears to the Lord. I just want to encourage you that in those times of little hope and lots of pain, continue to be vulnerable and honest with God and your community. The power of prayer is wild, the Lord hears every prayer, and He is indeed close to the broken hearted. I am beyond grateful for the friends the Lord has placed in my life who are prayer warriors and are always willing to listen to me and respond in both love and truth! I’m learning that surrendering is by no means easy because to live a life of continual surrender means to completely die to my flesh (Galatians 2:20) and the reality is, dying is painful! A life of active surrender means listening to the Holy Spirit convict you, prayer, and lots of beholding Jesus, which then leads to transformation. Thank you Jesus for transforming my heart and mind and continuing to teach me how to be more like You.

Scream & Shout But Know Everything’s Gonna Be Alright

A few months ago, I was digging through my parent’s photo albums and I came across several funny as well as endearing pictures of my childhood.  I love reminiscing on the days when portable CD players and mood rings were what all the “cool kids” had. There’s also this indescribable joy that overwhelms my heart when I stumble across a picture from when my parents were kids and they begin to share their hilarious “back in the day…” stories.  My parents can share the same exact story over and over and over again and I will laugh just as hard as I did the first time.  When I reflect on my childhood as well as my parent’s, I notice a common theme: in the midst of stressful, sorrowful, and chaotic moments in life we typically take some time to scream and shout but eventually we know everything is going to be alright.

While gazing through pictures from when my parents had to tell me “no” a thousand times a day, I rediscovered a photo that never fails to make me giggle.  This embarrassing/hysterical image perfectly depicts the concept of scream now but eventually everything is going to be okay.  When I was just over two years old I was at a church gathering where kids had an opportunity to meet Cubbie the bear.  Most kiddos love the chance to sit on his lap, look at the camera, and say “cheese”.  However, I am not like most! When my mom sat me on the lap of the unnaturally gigantic human sized teddy bear, it didn’t take long before I was screaming, crying, and running for my life (if you think I’m exaggerating, look at the photo below).  Immediately after this moment was captured I sprinted into my mother’s arms and although I cannot remember this terrifying incident, I can only imagine that I believed it was the worst possible thing that could happen to me.

So often in life we are all faced with trials and tribulations that in the moment seem like the end of the world.  During these overwhelming and challenging times, I tend to see the problem in-front of me as a 20,000 foot mountain instead of taking a step back and realizing it’s really just a 24 inch molehill.  Just like when I screamed and cried in the presence of what is supposed to be a friendly bear, I often forget about the concept of perspective.  At the age of two if I had just taken a second to sit back and watch the other kids climb up on Cubbie’s lap and see that he is indeed just a costume, I could have saved myself a whole lot of tears as well as avoided a very sore throat.

Throughout the last few years some of the “molehills” that I have faced have been; totaling not one but two cars, student debt, puppies eating everything in sight, family members hospitalized, and loneliness.  I am not going to lie some of these challenges took multiple months for me to gain perspective and in all honestly some I’m currently still struggling with. Like I mentioned before, the hardest part for me is taking a step back and looking at the trial through a different viewpoint.  Instead of getting caught up in all the emotions that are always racing through my brain, I have to constantly remind myself that my life is not my own.  Often times what helps me stay afloat is the very real truth that God is in control and He has incredible plans for my future.

Logic in the midst of chaos typically helps me from drowning in my own pity party. It is safe to say that when I met Cubbie for the very first time I had zero logic and all emotion racing through my body.  I ran away from my “molehill” and straight into my mom’s arms.  Something that I recently discovered is that God places trials in our lives that are way too big to defeat on our own in order to force us to run into His arms.  Before discovering this concept, I would still run.  I ran to other friends, to parties, and to drinking away my problems.  But let me tell you, that lifestyle was so very unfulfilling, hopeless, and I always left feeling worse than when I showed up.  The feelings of protection and love that I had when I was two and I ran into my mother’s arms is the very same feeling that I receive when I turn to God in the midst of screaming and shouting. By no means am I saying that life is easy and I am not saying that there isn’t going to be sorrow because I know that people out there are facing far more challenging trials than I will ever have to. However, what I am saying is that with God there is hope.  He can comfort you in a way that you have never been comforted, He will love you with this unconditional love that will make you feel whole again, and He will provide for you if you just run to Him. Run to Him and He can make you whole again. Run to Him and He will show you that you have a purpose. Run to Him because He can do the impossible. Run to Him and he will show you that everything is going to be alright.  JUST RUN TO HIM.

Running & Butt Cheeks

Recently I participated in my first half marathon.  I used to say I would do anything for a metal until I spent multiple hours running 13.1 miles in the mountains of Asheville, NC. Don’t get me wrong, I loved the bonding that took place during training and after the race with my sister, bro-in-law, and uncle but I’ve learned that distance running is so not my thing! And when I say “not my thing” I mean if I ever break the law and need a severe punishment, running a marathon would undoubtedly set me straight.

One thing you ought to know about me is that I am one of the most random and easily distracted gals you’ll ever meet.  Sometimes this makes conversations with friends or cleaning my apartment an unbearably challenging task. I can honestly say there is never a dull moment inside my brain, my mind constantly jumps from one unfinished thought to another. However, there are also many positive attributes that arise from being a space cadet.  I truly believe the only reason a paramedic didn’t have to perform CPR on me at mile seven was because of my superpower like gift of ADD.

During the 13 mile adventure there must have been at least a couple hundred different thoughts, classroom ideas, possible inventions, and funny memories that zipped through my mind.  I distinctively remember creating a mind-blowing tennis shoe at the third mile marker.  With one leap these bright neon orange shoes magically transported you ten miles. This invention immediately made me giggle because I imagined what I would look like if I was flying in the air above all the other runners.  I like to think I would be screaming encouraging phrases such as “you’re doing great!” but more realistically I probably would be too focused on seeing how many flips I could complete before hurling or attempting to soar like Buzz Lightyear. Almost all of my amusing inventions and creative ideas left my brain as quickly as they had entered.  That was true for all but one memorable moment that I will forever be able to replay in my head and uncontrollably belly laugh each time.

A morning not too long ago, I was teaching fractions when I was radioed down to a general education classroom to assist one of my students. There’s always a distinct tone in teacher’s voices that I can typically pick up that helps me determine the urgency of the call. Depending on the tone I know it is either a “when you get a free minute can you stop by my room” or a “drop everything and run to my classroom” kind of call.  This particular morning it was a drop everything and run, so I immediately left and when I arrived to the classroom my student was kicking lockers and yelling profanity. I offered the student two options, to either take a break in my room or to go on a walk and talk.  She stated in an aggressive voice “Fine! Let’s walk and talk… at least then you can get your steps in on your fitbit!!” (win win in my book!)

Since I have an attention span of a fly I’ve learned that in order to give someone my full attention, I need to constantly be fidgeting with something.  So, while on a walk and talk with my student I simultaneously was twirling my lanyard around my finger while attempting to rationally talk about what was wrong. Except the problem solving only lasted about forty-five seconds before my student was agitated and no longer was walking next to me.  In a blink of an eye she was growling at everyone that walked past and clinching her fingers into fists.  In this quick change of pace, she decided to walk directly in front of my spinning lanyard. My keys were already in full motion and there wasn’t enough time for me to stop the momentum before they made contact with my student.  No words can express the unbearably loud yell that followed the halting motion of my lanyard. In the middle of the hallway (with almost every classroom door open) my kiddo screams, “HEYY! THAT WAS MY FAVOIRTE BUTT CHEEK!!!”

It is in these exact moments I’m unbelievably grateful that I am a five-year-old trapped in a twenty-four-year old’s body. I still giggle to myself when someone farts in yoga and I am 110% up for playing lava tag at any given time of day. My childlike characteristics make it extremely easy for me to relate to my students as well as use humor to quickly get them chuckling instead of snarling. As soon as my student shouted that my keys hit her favorite butt cheek we were laughing so hard (because honestly, who has a favorite butt cheek?!?!) that tears were streaming down our faces. We spent the next fifteen minutes talking about why it was her favorite and figuring out what butt cheek I favored.  In the end this seemingly silly moment made my kiddo completely forget about her frustrating moment in class and helped turn her day around. I am beyond thankful that God created my mind to be extraordinarily random as well as work at warp speed. Without this gift, I would have solely been focused on the fact that I had no feeling in my feet while running rather than laughing at the funny encounters I get to share with my students on a daily basis.

During the half marathon, about every ten minutes, in-between all of the huffing and puffing, a huge grin would appear on my face followed by a raspy chuckle as I recalled my student’s conversation about favorite butt cheeks. Let’s just say I’m incredibly grateful for both my hilariously entertaining students as well as my superpower like gift of ADD; together they helped keep a semi smile on my face while running the race. So, whenever you need a distraction from reality or something to brighten your day, just imagine an elementary student screaming at the top of her lungs, “that was my favorite butt cheek!!” and hopefully it will bring a smile to your face like it always does to mine.

A Chicago Girl Living in an Indiana World

A few weeks ago I was talking to a friend and she brought up the idea of starting my own blog.  I’ve always enjoyed writing and typically am much better at expressing my thoughts and feelings through written word.  Over a few conversations and weeks of prayer I have decided to sit down and start this daunting journey (even if only a handful of people read my posts).

I’ve thought long and hard about what to write and honestly I have no plan and not a single clue of where this will lead to.  I’m not going to lie the idea of starting a blog seems so far fetch that I almost can’t believe I’m doing it.  You see I look in the mirror and see a normal twenty-four year old.  I’ve never saved a child from a burning building nor do I have a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. In reality when I look in the mirror I simply see an ordinary person and I think to myself “why on earth would anyone want to read what I have to say?” But then I remember God used ordinary and seemingly no bodies throughout the entire scripture.  Although I may feel insignificantly small in a world that has a growing population of 7.4 billion people, I realize that God can use my average self just as much as he used Mary (an ordinary woman) to be the virgin mother of Jesus. I truly believe that He is able to use ordinary people (like me and you) in extraordinary ways!

I’m just  a Chicago girl living in an Indiana world.  I am a teacher that invests each day pouring into students with special needs.  Being a special education teacher guarantees daily hilarious, tears in your eyes, knee slapping stories that I’m bound to share.  I do clumsy and awkward things at least twice every half hour and each time I choose to laugh at myself because we all know laughter truly is the best medicine. My favorite person in the whole world is my Abuela (what I call my grandma -who if you can’t tell by the photo happens to be the LEAST photogenic human in Chicago). To be completely honest she is my best friend.

My Abuela has taught me how to be emotionally and mentally present when spending quality time with others, when and how to use sarcasm, and how to open up about your past no matter how difficult it may be. When I am with my Abuela I mostly remember how it’s the simple things in life we must cherish.  I never take for granted the seemingly silly conversations we chat about on the porch, the constant teasing about my nonexistent boyfriend, and the bonding we share over making Puerto Rican food. When I dwell on all my favorite memories I have shared with my Abuela they all have three common themes (1) simple moments filled with (2) joyful hearts and endless (3) laughter.

A Wednesday not too long ago I was having one of those mornings that no matter how hard you try nothing goes as planned.  You see my alarm didn’t go off at 5:30 like I intended the night before allowing me extra time to shower.  Unfortunately it was 7:05 when I leaped out of bed and was forced to rush out the door with an afro (which some people can pull off but take it from me… I am not one of those people).  When I arrived to school I only had five minutes to mentally prepare for the notorious Hump Day. I made sure my priorities were intact and headed to the cafeteria to fill up my coffee cup.  When I got back to my classroom I attempted to put my coffee mug on my desk before heading outside to greet my students.  But instead of gracefully setting my cup down, I tripped on absolutely nothing, and spilled every single drop on my desk. Now it was 7:30 and time to head out the door with my coffee-less self and negative attitude in check.

As I waited for my students to jump off the bus out of the corner of my eye I saw white tails sailing up and down.  I gazed at the forest next to school and saw four deer leaping in a playful manner.  In a blink of an eye my students were standing in front of me asking what I was looking at and why I was smiling.  I showed them the deer playing near the forest and they too were fascinated by the beautiful creatures.  One boy excitingly whispered to me, “Wow! That’s the very first real life deer I’ve ever seen” and another girl snickered, “Miss. R. They are playing tag! The taller one is you and the littler ones are us.” I couldn’t help but take a minute and soak in the simple but rather breathtaking moment with my kids.  I owe it all to the energetic deer who reminded me about the simplicity life offers as well as owing it to my children for their contagious joyful hearts and laughter that inevitably changed my attitude. My slightly frantic and clumsy morning turned into an unforgettable moment that I now savor.

That’s really all that you can do in this world.  Find those simple moments and cherish them.  No matter who you are, what you’ve done, or what mountain you are struggling to climb.  Choose to marvel at the simple joys of life.  Choose to laugh. Never stop laughing.  Like I have said, I am just a Chicago girl living in an Indiana world.  I don’t know everything and I’m not going to pretend like I do.  But I can say from my personal experiences and my own trials that taking a second to breathe in the simple moments, finding joy, and laughing have made some of my darkest days a little brighter.