Faithful Gardener

For the past couple of months, my five-year-old niece, Ellie, and I have been diligently working on growing a garden together. I am not one to typically just wing new projects, but I felt like it was a now-or-never moment, so we decided to leap in wholeheartedly and learn as we go. To my surprise, this task has been impacting me more than I ever could have imagined. It has been full of giggles, moments of celebrating the little wins, water wars, simple and honest conversations with both Ellie and Jesus, times of frustration, true dependency on the Lord, and unforgettable moments that I get to share with the sweetest little girl.

When I moved back to America, I definitely underestimated the hardships I would encounter. I truly thought it was going to be a walk in the park since the majority of my life had been spent living in the States. But, boy was I wrong! It has been a roller coaster of emotions, doubts, and uncertainty, and honestly—full of fear. I’d repeat 2 Timothy 1:7, “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind,” over and over but still felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest. I began praying and asking God what He wanted my days to look like, and gardening kept coming to my mind. So we decided to just go for it, doing little to no research and seeing what the Lord would do with a heart of surrender while just putting forth our best efforts. And man alive, He never disappoints.

God has truly used the garden to stretch, teach, and speak to me. Last week I started weeding out some of the vegetables that are growing too close to one another. For those who know me, I do not enjoy wasting things. So this task seemed incredibly difficult for me. I felt like the crops were being wasted, but I also felt like it had been a waste of time that we had spent nurturing them only to have them plucked out of the garden in the end. However, from the little I know about gardening, if crops are placed too close together, the gardener is taking a risk of not being able to harvest the best version of the crops. But if the gardener takes the time to sift through every crop, removing what they know is not healthy for what is growing, then they can help nurture and grow something far better.

While on a walk one evening, that picture of a gardener plucking healthy-looking crops kept replaying in my mind and quickly overwhelmed me. As tears rolled down my cheeks, I could feel how near the Lord was to me, and out of His loving kindness, He began to speak over me. He revealed that as Ellie and I are the gardeners of our precious backyard garden, the Lord is my Faithful Gardener. He is constantly weeding, watering, being my light, and plucking what I deem as healthy but He sees as a hindrance. He showed me that everything I have been struggling to make sense of—from so many unknowns to putting up boundaries with people whom I deeply love, to promising job opportunities falling through—has been His perfect and intentional hand. What I perceived as wasted time and effort, the Lord reassured me that He uses everything; nothing is ever wasted. He reminded me that He never intended for me to be the gardener of my own life and to try to independently make sense of this unpredictable journey. Just like I delight in gardening WITH Ellie, God wants me to delight in doing life WITH Him. To ask Him the hard questions and to seek His face when things that seem good are plucked out because oftentimes, He is allowing things to be removed in order to grow something far better than what I can see on the surface.

As Ellie and I begin to gather the first harvest of our garden, I’m learning that it is okay to begin new things without having it all sorted out and to sometimes wing it as I go, as long as I do it with the Lord. Because He is my Faithful Gardener, and I trust Him to navigate my life, uprooting what needs to be removed and planting what He knows is best for me.

My Bride & First Love

A couple weeks ago I went on a house boat on Lake Kariba with some incredibly close friends. Before going on the trip I sat with Jesus and I was in awe as I thought about the people I’d get to spend 9 days with. I would spend time thanking God for the domino affect of how some of us became friends four years ago and how through God’s perfect timing we would continue to met new friends and grow together in unity.

friends who have become like family

The trip was stacked with married couples who love the Lord and each other deeply. Before heading to the lake I wasn’t affected by the fact that just me and one other friend were the only single ones. However, about two days into the trip I began to have different thoughts pop into my head that lead my mind on a spiraling journey thinking about how I do not have a significant other. You see, my heart longs and desires to one day be married to a man on fire for the Lord and have a household of curly headed kids. In the last few years I have gone through seasons of disappointment, contentment, and thankfulness and honestly before the trip I truly thought my heart was content and thankful for this gift of singleness.

One morning while on the boat someone asked the question “what are your fears” and out of a place of pride in my head I quickly responded “I have none”. Immediately I started to weep because the Holy Spirit revealed to me that I have a huge fear that I will never be married and have kids. That God isn’t moving in this area of my life and He never will.

Recently God has been showing me what it looks like to be completely real and raw with both Him and friends. Through some intentional and honest conversations, I began to hear His voice and see His heart for me so clearly. He showed me that the lies I was hearing and believing stem from a lack of trust and faith in My Beloved. I was believing the lie that because I wasn’t seeing Him move in this one area of my life, that meant He wasn’t moving. The truth is He hasn’t stopped moving and He is currently preparing both my husband and myself.

Through this season of being single I feel like the Lord is asking me to learn how to be Jesus’ bride. How to make Him my first love. To fall deeply in love with Him now before He reveals who I will marry. The question He is currently pressing on my heart is “do I love Jesus and desire Him more than I desire the good gifts He freely gives?” I can’t get over how kind and gracious our Father is that He reveals the deepest parts of our hearts out of pure love for us.

Often times the Lord speaks to me through song lyrics and the words He has been putting on my heart the last few weeks are from the song Wait On You… “I’m gonna wait on You. I’ve tasted Your goodness, I’ll trust in Your promise.” So that’s what I’m going to do. I am truly excited and giddy for this season of waiting on the Lord while I seek Jesus’ face. I’m prepared to fall madly in love with Him!

Blessing vs Burden

My whole life I have struggled with lies that I am a burden and an inconvenience to those around me. It honestly didn’t matter if you told me ten times a day that “I’m not a burden”, I couldn’t believe and receive it. Until this past month….

Recently I had the opportunity to go to Switzerland to visit a sweet friend. A week before leaving I was crippled with this fear of being a burden to my friend and those in her life. All these lies began to swirl around my mind to the point where I completely shut down around everyone that I do daily life with. These thoughts were so intense that I didn’t even feel like I could let anyone in because I thought that it would add too much to their already full plates.

Before leaving for Switzerland, Sue came to my place and was telling me about how her mom at the age of 80 saw herself the same way I was seeing myself. As a burden and not a blessing to those around her. Sue encouraged me to see myself through a different lens… to see myself through the lens that God sees me. Later that day, Bruce said to me, “Amy have you repented of your negative attitude and for seeing yourself as a burden?” His tough love hit me hard, but I still wasn’t ready to genuinely repent and ask God to give me new eyes.

So I headed to the airport, feeling overwhelmed and like I had made a giant mistake to plan this trip. But you see, God is so beyond patient and He is so kind to convict us. While sitting on my 9 hour flight the Lord reminded me of what Sue and Bruce had said to me. I started uncontrollably weeping and crying out to the Lord. Repenting and asking for a fresh revelation of who He made me to be. Asking Him to show me how others see me but most importantly, how He sees me. I could tell something was shifting inside of me as tears rolled down my face. As I wiped my tears away, I truly felt like God had restored my mind and eyes. That I could see myself as He has designed me to be.

I arrived in Switzerland feeling like a weight was taken off my shoulders. That I was washed clean and walking in the design the Lord intended me to be walking in. I was able to see myself as a blessing and not a burden. I can honestly say this is the first time I have been around friends and not had constant thoughts in the back of my mind of how I’m a burden to others. That’s not to say thoughts never came to my mind, but instead of believing them, I was able to rebuke them and speak truth over those lies. Praise the Lord!

I just want to encourage you that this verse is true and available to all! 2 Corinthians 3:17 says, “now the Lord is the Spirit; and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty.” How amazing!! There are so many people walking around entangled in chains believing there is no hope, but I’m telling you, THERE IS FREEDOM IN JESUS CHRIST! Hallelujah!!

My trip to Switzerland ended up being such a blessing! The peace of mind that God restored in me allowed me to be fully myself and to truly enjoy my time with others without being stuck in my head. During the three weeks that I was there I got to worship with friends, have deep conversations, goof, rest with Jesus, and explore His beautiful creation! Thank you Lord for refining me!!

This friendship is a gift from God! Beyond grateful for you, Corinne!!

Always Faithful

This past year has been a whirlwind for me. I’m constantly in awe of where God leads me and what the Lord has opened my eyes to/ taught me in such a short amount of time. One thing that God keeps showing me is how faithful He is. Here is a testimony about His faithfulness!

For years I have been dreaming with the Lord about opening a special education school in Africa. Most days this dream honestly seemed impossible. So far fetch that at times I’d given up hope but every time I did, God would graciously remind me that nothing is impossible for Him. That if I would surrender this dream to Him and His way, that He would open the correct doors at the perfect time.

Well, on April 11th I stepped through the first door and I’m amazed at what the Lord is doing. On Monday afternoon I had the privilege of meeting Shepard, Strive, and Alpha along with their mothers. Each child a different age and disability. My friend and I spent a couple hours getting to know each kid as well as hearing all about what the family’s relationship with God looks like. We ended the meeting praying over the mothers and while praying one of the boys who hadn’t said a word thus far started speaking. He kept repeating “I am a boy. I have seizures. Please pray for me”. We prayed over him and even though we haven’t yet seen a change, I’m clinging to the truth that God is moving through every single prayer and tear. I am incredibly encouraged that the testimonies in the Bible of both healings and deliverances are very much still happening today. And with full assurance and unwavering faith, I believe Jesus will move in radical ways through this new school.

These past couple of days I have cried buckets of tears and I honestly think the Lord is just breaking my heart for what breaks His. My friends and I are planning on meeting with the mothers again within this next week to teach them more about the nature of God so they too can be equipped and sent out. I truly want this school to look different then anything I’ve seen. I’m still asking God what that will look like but what I do know is Jesus will be the primary focus. Praying without ceasing will be put into practice. If you would like to join me in prayer, I have been praying not only for vision but also that God would make a way for parents to be involved as much as possible. Praying for faith to increase, miracles to take place, and above all that each person involved feels the love of Christ.

Home Sweet Home

It has officially been two weeks of being back in Lions Den, Zimbabwe and man is it such a blessing it is to be here!! I still wake up each morning thinking I’m living a dream. It’s crazy how I can travel over 8,000 miles across the Atlantic Ocean and feel like I’ve arrived at my second home. That’s what Lion Den feels like to me right now, home. I’m beyond grateful for the two families that live here that have embraced me as both a friend and a family member. I absolutely love them to pieces and can’t stop thanking the Lord for His goodness.

These past two weeks I have been settling in, teaching the kiddos, catching up with Zimbabwean friends, learning how to live across the world from people I love, and spending time with a mission team that is here for two weeks. I have absolutely LOVED teaching the kids in the mornings! We are currently on week two of the school year and so far everyone is enjoying learning. Extremely thankful to be working for a family that offers so much grace and are willing to work alongside me to figure out how to make school the best it could be for their children!!

Below are a handful of pictures from this past week in Lions Den! I can’t wait to continue to post updates on what the Lord is doing in and through me here in Zim!

My home sweet home!! Thanks to Bruce & Sue I will be living in this cabin on their property

Precious. Noah (7 years) has been my little teacher assistant. He has enjoyed teaching his twin sisters (4 years)

Quality time fishing with some friends!

Worshiping with the team has been incredible

I love doing life here! Carys, (one of the girls I teach) makes running errands more enjoyable

Serving an Illogical God

Recently I flew from Nashville, Tennessee to Chicago, Illinois. Before arriving in Chicago I had a layover in Orlando, Florida. While on my flight out of Nashville I was thinking about how strange layovers are. Honestly, many of the layovers I have had in the span of my life logically don’t make any sense to me. Fly south to then after three hours at a random airport, get back on an airplane and retrace your previous route north to get to your final destination… I just don’t get it. I spent quite a few minutes trying to wrap my head around the layover system when I started dwelling on my experiences this summer in Africa. I began reminiscing on the many times God showed up. Testimonies began to flood my mind of the countless times the Lord moved and nine out of ten times His ways made absolutely no scenes to me.

One of the biggest things the Lord taught me this summer was that because I only see, know, and understand in part, His ways may never be logical to me. I used to think that because I was walking through a confusing season or I wasn’t seeing how God could possibly be moving, that I had to jump in and fix the situation on my own. That it was my responsibility and duty to take my Bob The Builder belt off and use my limited tools to make my ideas and my plans come to be.

The reality is, many times God is simply illogical (just like my dumb layover) but day in and day out His plans are far better than mine! When my plans don’t work out and when I don’t understand why things are happening in my life, I can stand firm in the truth that God hears my prayers, catches my tears, keeps His promises, and HE IS MOVING. I’m learning how to take off my Bob The Builder tool belt and instead pick up the ultimate tool, the Word of Life. To fully surrender and trust in my loving Father.

I want to be so transparent with you right now and say I still struggle in this area. There are areas of my life that are extremely difficult for me to surrender and trust that the Lord can bring beauty from ashes. I have walked through seasons of life where I went days even weeks when there were no words left to even pray but instead I showed up and brought my tears to the Lord. I just want to encourage you that in those times of little hope and lots of pain, continue to be vulnerable and honest with God and your community. The power of prayer is wild, the Lord hears every prayer, and He is indeed close to the broken hearted. I am beyond grateful for the friends the Lord has placed in my life who are prayer warriors and are always willing to listen to me and respond in both love and truth! I’m learning that surrendering is by no means easy because to live a life of continual surrender means to completely die to my flesh (Galatians 2:20) and the reality is, dying is painful! A life of active surrender means listening to the Holy Spirit convict you, prayer, and lots of beholding Jesus, which then leads to transformation. Thank you Jesus for transforming my heart and mind and continuing to teach me how to be more like You.

Million Little Miracles

These past three months have been absolutely incredible! A summer full of wild testimonies, lots of miracles, softened hearts, dancing on chains, and memories that will last a lifetime. Below are some pictures that help paint a picture to what the past few months have looked like here in Africa.

These leaders started the summer off getting equipped while on a boat with some of our ministry partners. The two weeks were filled with worship, prayer, teachings, and fellowship with one another. While on the boat there was no phone service which was such a blessing because we were all able to grow immensely in our faith with no distractions. In this picture we were celebrating Gabe’s birthday!

Kati got baptized in Lake Kariba!!! It has been such an honor to be her friend and walk alongside her the last two years. Kati models what it should look like to unconditionally love others on a daily basis. This summer she has taught me what it looks like to seek the Father’s face in every moment. Kati constantly lives out a life laid down for the Lord and acts in simple obedience. I’m beyond proud of her!

After the boat trip Kati, Mena, Grace, Austin, Gabe, and I moved into our tents in Lion’s Den, Zimbabwe. This picture was taken on a Sunday after house church. We quickly took a picture so we could change clothes and play our typical Sunday volleyball tournament! Bruce and Sue spent the summer pouring into us and calling us higher. Beyond grateful for them and their willingness to lay everything down in their life for the Kingdom.

Kati and I’s cozy home while in Lion’s Den. Here at Shannah (the name of the land we camp on. Shannah means “new beginnings/a new season”) Each day we spent time in prayer and then we spent on average 4 to 5 hours in teaching with Bruce. We have been learning about healing, the Holy Spirit, unity, leadership, the Father’s love, daughtership/sonship, freedom and so much more. In the evening we would join the township prayer meeting that was hosted at Bruce and Sue’s shop in town. I met some amazing women of God at the meetings and I’m excited to continue to walk in friendship with them.

Some of my favorite memories at Shannah have been making dinner as a family. Lots of laughter and good conversations have taken place while preparing meals! This night Austin and I found the biggest potato we have seen and made some chips (aka french fries) to go with our steak and veggies.

Family walk at sunset.

“My heart is the wick, Your love is the flame. I wanna burn for Your name. Set a fire down in my soul that I can’t contain, that I can’t control.” Throughout the summer, God keeps on reminding me of these lyrics. This summer God has been wrecking me and showing me how I have been complacent in my walk with Christ and how there is so much more. One day when I was watching Gabe rekindle the fire for our water boiler, God showed me how the fire that is inside of me is no different then this physical fire. Fires require fresh wind, lots of effort, and constant attention. God has set a fresh fire inside my soul and this summer I have been learning how quickly that fire will die if I don’t continue to feed it. God showed me that I am called to keep pressing in, continue to be faithful, pray without ceasing, and to approach Him in humility as an open vessel. I have a new captivating desire to want to burn for Him. I want to be someone on fire who lays everything down no matter the cost. I want to live a life like Mary. At the end of the day, it’s my choice. To dig deeper or live in complacency.

Leaving Zimbabwe and heading to Zambia!

Reunited with the Zambia leadership team that started off with us on the boat in May. Love each one of these peeps so much!

We took the team to Victoria Falls and we all got DRENCHED! There was an abundance of rainbows this year and that brought me so much joy!

Lily, Hannah, Kati, and I were four of the six people on leadership that tested positive for COVID. We all were quarantined in a beautiful unfurnished house for a week. When I first tested positive, I honestly was incredibly annoyed. My team was planning on heading back to Zimbabwe after being in Zambia for two weeks but due to having COVID, we had to extend our time in Zambia. While in quarantine, God taught me about resting with Him as well as what it truly looks like to process with Him. This summer I have been learning that since we only see in part, it’s easy for me to get frustrated that my plans are not coming to fruition. But I’m called to trust God’s plans because He is faithful. He sees the whole picture and time and time again He works everything for the good. And that’s exactly what He did while I was quarantined. God 110% had a better plan then I could have ever imagined. He taught me how to love others well in the house, how to rest with Him, and took me deeper in my understanding of who He is as well as who I am in Him!

Tested negative after being quarantined. Felt rested, refreshed, and ready to go back to Zimbabwe!

Come August 17th, I will have lived with these friends for three and a half months! Throughout the past 2 years they have truly become family to me. This summer we walked in unity through the good times as well as the challenging times. It has been months filled with countless inside jokes, intentional conversations, daily bonfires, lots of tears, silly competitions and endless laughter. Thank you Lord for this family that is center around you!

Good ole worship session at the airport because Gabe, Mena, and I were stopped for “invalid COVID tests”. Our tests were the exact same as the other three team members who got through with no issues before us. During this time we ended up having two amazing conversations with Africans about who Jesus is and got to pray over them. Both women were deeply touched by the Father. Eventually, through prayer and worship, they let us go to immigration to get our visas. Perspective changes everything. At first it seemed like just a frustrating bump in the road but truly was so God ordained and all worked out for His glory!

After camping at Shannah for four days my team was able to go on Bruce and Sue’s house boat for another trip on the lake. This boat trip was much different from our experience in May because it focused around evangelizing. Whereas the first trip was solely focused on teachings and worshiping. Both were amazing but I especially loved the second trip because we were able to put to practice everything we had been learning for the past two months. During the day we would go into fishing villages and at night you would find us on the boat either dancing as we worshiped the Lord or having a girls against guys competition.

Praying for an overflowing cup after she got baptized. She is a women on fire for the Lord!

Beauty! I met Beauty one afternoon when she came up to us asking for prayer. She had total faith that God could heal her knee and lower back. After praying over her she said she was healed and was ready to dance and worship the Lord! The next day, Kati and I were able to sit down with her and talk to her about Jesus. She has the most beautiful smile and joy that radiants. The more time I spent with Beauty the more she reminded me of my Abuela. Brought tears to my eyes!

Peace out Zimbabwe, hello Zambia! I honestly have loved our travel days. Airports in Africa are always unpredictable and never a dull moment. Thankful for a chill team who makes traveling fun and not even a little stressful!

Currently, I’m back in Zambia leading a group of 4 girls from America. Yesterday we did our first ministry day in a village called Chiesta. We broke up into teams and evangelized around the village. Today we went into the inner city of Lusaka to work alongside street kids. It was definitely one of the heavier days because to stay warm as well as numb the pain, the kids are always high. We had the opportunity to hold their hands, sing with them, dance and make them feel seen/ loved. After we went into the compound that most of the kids once lived. We were able to pray over the land and families as we passed through.

Fun fact: it is common in the villages for people to eat mice.Vasco (Our ministry partner) bought one for the team and I agreed to try a bite!! Africans say it taste like chicken and maybe it’s a physiological issue for me but I did not agree. Haha it for sure will be a once and a life time experience for me!

I cannot believe this summer is coming to an end in 10 days! Thank you Lord for a summer full of freedom and a deeper friendships with you! All the glory belongs to you, Father.

Life update: God is so good! Through lots of prayer, God has revealed what the next season of my life will look like. On August 17th, I will be flying back to Zimbabwe with my friend Gabe to live in Lion’s Den. Gabe will be working in Bruce’s woodworking business and I will be teaching Bruce and Sue’s grandchildren! Meet my bestie, Carys. She is one of the four kiddos I will be teaching. I am incredibly grateful for this opportunity to homeschool in the morning and in the afternoon/evenings be able to do missions.

AND THE ADVENTURE BEGINS !!

I’m currently anxiously sitting at the Nashville Airport waiting to board a plane to meet my friends in Washington DC. Come Sunday morning, we will all be flying over 8,000 miles to Africa, my home away from home! 

Fun fact about me: I absolutely love airports!! There is something about sitting at a gate watching airplanes fly in and out mixed with extensive people watching that makes me oh so happy. But this gate and this flight is like no other airport experience I have ever had. Although I am physically sitting in a chair, my internal emotions feel like I am on an intense rollercoaster.

I am beyond excited to head to Africa with absolutely no idea how long I’ll be there. I am ecstatic that I will be with some of my closest friends for the next three months. I am pumped to see how God moves in and all around me. I am expectant for what God will reveal to my team. But at the same time mixed with these positive emotions, I am also feeling heavy hearted and sad. Saying goodbye to my family and friends and not knowing when I will see them next breaks my heart. Not knowing the next time my almost 2 year old niece will be able to scream “T” and then run into my arms instantly brings tears to my eyes.

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I’d sacrifice 22 pounds of luggage if it meant she could come with me!!

As I sit here feeling like an emotional hot mess, I hear God speak these truths over and over. “I’m good. I have you in the palms of my hands. I am so proud of you”. I’m beyond grateful that God has been opening my eyes and ears to see and hear only HIS VOICE! I know that in the midst of my heartbreak and excitement, God is near to me. He’s collecting all my tears, He’s listening to my every prayer, and is faithful to finish what He starts. Thank you Lord for all these truths and for peace that surpasses all understanding!

Current status: I currently have enough fundraising to stay in Africa for 10 months. I truly believe that if God is calling me to stay longer, He will provide the money to do so! It costs about 1,000 dollars a month to live in Zimbabwe. If anyone feels called to support me financially, below is the link to do so! I love you all and will do my best to send emails with my blog throughout my time overseas!

https://fcsmnstry.io/mkr/3rjZMb

OR via Venmo: Amy-Ruiz-39

LIFE UPDATES

First life update: I got a new tattoo!!!

God is faithful. Faithful to listen to every prayer. To keep his promises. Faithful to collect every tear that falls down our faces. Always faithful to defeat the lies with his truth. God is faithful to forgive. He is faithful even when we are unfaithful. God is always faithful to love us with an unconditional kind of love that is filled with so much grace and mercy.

God is consistently faithful to us both in our living rooms and in stadiums. He chooses to always meet us wherever we are. He meets us in cars, parking lots, restaurants, funeral homes, in the places of making God known. In living rooms and stadiums, God will find me faithful. Living in simple obedience. To share God’s love in living rooms and stadiums, in the small risks and the big risks and everything in between. 

Second life update: I am heading back to Africa!!!

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Come May 16th, I will be getting onto an airplane heading to Lions Dean, Zimbabwe with a ONE WAY TICKET! How crazy cool is that?! I am surrendering all control, to allow the Holy Spirit to lead me. As of right now, I have no clue how long I will be there but I do have an insane God story about fundraising that I would love to share with you, if you want to hear!

If you would join me in prayer during this season, that would mean the world to me! Please be praying that God will let me in on His plan, that I will fully trust the Lord’s timing, that I will be financially supported, people I come in contact with will encounter the presence of God, safety, unity within my team, and that we will continue to grow more intimate with the Father.

I truly believe that things shift in the atmosphere when we pray! I am expectant that God is moving in both the seen and unseen as I begin to take this step of faith. Thank you so much for all the prayers!

Citizen of Heaven

I recently have been reflecting on how quickly change happens. Change is inevitable. Whether we like it or not, it happens all around us every single day. I am currently looking at all the beautiful trees filled with a magnitude of different colored leaves surrounding me. I know that in a few short days the leaves will transform from vibrant shades of yellow, red, and orange to brown. Quickly these trees will change from being completely full to being bare branches with children (and me cause let’s face it, I’m a child at heart) stomping on the crunchy leaves below. 

While I watch the autumn leaves gently blow I keep thinking about the season I’m currently in and the transformations God has orchestrated in my life. I could easily write a novel on all the ways my perspectives, relationships, thoughts, faith, and the overall way I live my life has changed drastically in this past year and a half. But what I feel called to focus on right now is this fact… I AM A CITIZEN OF HEAVEN. 

I feel led to share the crazy heart surgery God has been performing on me the last couple of weeks. You see, these past 5 months I have been feeling incredibly out of place, confused, and heartbroken. These feelings often leave me extremely sad (like sobbing multiple times of day kind of sad), heavy, and at times hopeless. The consuming feeling of not belonging began to make me feel like I was quickly drowning. Each week I would start off thinking, “new week = fresh start” but by the end of the week I would feel like I was carrying more and more weight on my shoulders. Weight that I was never intended to carry in the first place. Through these dark times I grew more intimate with God, was incredibly vulnerable, and confided in a couple of people. But still I was struggling more than ever before. I’d observe people everywhere I went and I constantly was feeling a disconnect. 

One day I left a voice message for a dear friend and in between the sobs, I told her “I don’t understand why I feel so different from everyone. I don’t understand why God has shown me ways to live counterculturally but yet others do not see or act similarly. I simply feel like I do not belong here.” My friend responded back with this, “Amy you are exactly where God wants you to be for the Kingdom of God.” (Side note… Aren’t friends the actual best?! I am so thankful for real, raw, honest friendships! They truly are gifts from God!)

The words “I am exactly where God wants me to be for the Kingdom of God” rung in my head for days. Since that conversation, God has begun to scratch the surface on what that that means and looks like. I believe that God is not done revealing things to me on how to live in a way that brings Him glory each day, but here are a few things He has opened my heart and eyes to… I am a citizen of Heaven. I may have citizenship in America because I was born here, but I am His. I do NOT belong here. This is not my home. I am different. And that is okay, better yet, that is good! I am an apprentice of Jesus and therefore I should look radically different from others. The way I work, text, shop, listen to people, drive, speak, invest in others, utilize social media, dream, and rest should look bizarre when compared to those living for the world. One way I have been growing in this area is by frequently asking myself this simple question “If Jesus was my age, my gender, had my profession, had my friends, how would He live?” (Another side note: Garden City is an insanely good, wise, and easy read by John Mark Comer. It has brought so much truth and hope into my life. It is actually where God revealed that question to me!)

This question has literally changed how I live daily. It’s so crazy to me how some things God changes slowly in my life and other things change as quickly as the leaves changing colors. I’m thankful He has been performing surgery on me. Just like any open heart surgery, it takes time to heal and I’m still learning what needs to continue to change in my life in order to remain having a healthy heart. I know how I live will continue to look, feel, and sound a heck of a lot different than how others live. I’m constantly speaking truth into my life and reminding myself that I am not living for this world. I belong to my Heavenly Father. I’m exactly where He wants me. Adopted, chosen, and unconditionally loved. A citizen of Heaven!!