There’s Beauty in the Midst of the Unknown

This last year has been one for the books! It has been a year packed with flourishing friendships, learning what intimacy with the Father looks like, and lots of joyful moments. At the same time, if I am going to be completely honest, it has also been a year full of doubt, fear, and sadness. A year that in one second I could have full assurance of what God has planned for my future and in a blink of an eye quickly believe the lies that I am not good enough or there is someone else better/ more qualified than me. The enemy is so real, yall! If given the freedom and space, he will attack your mind to the point where you wholeheartedly believe every single lie that he has whispered into your ear. I know this to be true because I have experienced it first hand. However, through these past couple months, God has been revealing His words and His truths louder than the lies in order to defeat them one by one.

This summer I learned a lot about what an open communication with Jesus should look like. You see, for years I have been really good at doing all the talking but what I never have grasped until recently is in order to have a healthy friendship, the conversation HAS to be two sided. I have been learning and applying the practice of talking to God but also being willing to sit in the stillness and be fully present in order to listen. It has been wild to witness how much you can hear when you eliminate distractions and stop talking! 

One thing that I feel God has spoken to me recently is this phrase, “there’s beauty in the midst of the unknown”. Like I mentioned this past year doubt and fear has been prevalent in my heart when I start to dream and think of my future. For those who know me well, know that living in Africa is a HUGE desire of my heart. It is something that ever since eighth grade I have wanted to do and I still feel God is calling me there. Something I am also learning about myself is that I am for sure a Type A person but honestly, in the most chill way possible. I don’t make spreadsheets (no offense to anyone who does) and I don’t plan out my days off work to a tee. But I do like to be in control and I do like to have a very loosey goosey outline of what my plans are. However, when thinking of my future in Africa, I have zero plans, no ideas, and no concept of what that will look like. When I start to dwell on the unknowns, I can literally feel my heart start racing faster and I begin to feel like I can’t get a full breath of air in my lungs. I have been consistently praying that God would reveal what my future will look like in terms of moving full time to Africa and up until last weekend, it felt like no one was listening. It felt like He was ignoring me. I knew those were lies so I continued to pray and wait. And wait. And wait some more.. (Side note: patience is something I really struggle with and I am constantly praying for more of!)

THEN SOMETHING CRAZY HAPPENED!! Last weekend I was driving in the mountains. The roads were curvy and the sky was perfectly blue. The forest surrounding me was absolutely breathtaking. Full of countless shades of green and an assortment of different types of trees. Out of nowhere, the sky was filled with a thick fog. The kind of fog that you can only see one or two objects in the distance. As I was staring at the fog in complete awe, I realized that I can only see two trees in the distance. When I noticed the two trees, the phrase “there is beauty in the midst of the unknown” kept replaying in my head. I immediately began to think of my future and the plans that God has in store for me regarding moving to Africa. I do not know all the answers. I simply can only see one or two things up a head. I do know I will be in Africa at some point and I do know that I will be serving alongside children when I am there. That is all I can see right now. AND THAT IS OKAY! I have faith that even though I do not know everything and I cannot see what is ahead, God’s plan is beautiful. Even though the fog covered up my temporary vision of the forest, I still knew the trees were flourishing, that their roots were firm within the soil, and that they were still alive. That is a perfect depiction of what my future looks like. I cannot see the details but while I wait, I am still flourishing, I am still watering the soil that I am standing on, and I am still rooted deep in my relationship with God. There’s beauty in the midst of the unknown!

I RUN, AS I AM

This morning I spent some time snuggled up in my warm bed reading a book that a sweet friend recommended. This book while deep and meaningful also is beyond creative and filled with hilarious stories. For those who don’t know this about me, I am extremely ADD like my mind just bounces from one thing to another in a blink of an eye. But for some crazy reason even with my attention span being non-existent, I have this ability to get so wrapped up in a good book that I lose sight of all my surroundings. As I’m reading about a failed Valentine’s Day date, out of absolutely no where my dog (Kaner) begins to freak out. If caught off guard, his howl and aggressive bark is intense enough to make anyone pee their pants. And boy was I caught off guard!! (Disclaimer: I didn’t actually pee my pants but it was dang close)

Kaner is a 65 pound hunting dog that looks and sounds intimidating but when push comes to shove he is literally the biggest scaredy-cat you’ll ever meet. (Guys, I’m not kidding… Once on a walk he started running from and barking at his own shadow!) As I put my book down to see why Kaner is flipping out I realize his entire body is shaking and although he is trying to protect us, he is completely terrified.

As he continues to bark, Kaner quickly comes and lays his whole body on top of mine. At this point the only way to calm his nerves is to talk to him in a calm voice and embrace him with a hug. While I continue to talk to him and assure him everything is okay, his bark slows down and his shaking begins to fade.

While calming my oversized lap dog down, God revealed some truths to me. I came to see that so often I am just like Kaner. I put on a face of “I’ve got everything put together” or “my life is perfect” when in reality, both are so far from the truth. I am a daily hot mess. I get stuck in my head, anxious, and overwhelmed often. But what God showed me this morning is that in the midst of fear and anxiety, I am to run to Him. Just as Kaner ran to the one person who loves him more than any other human, I am called to run to my Father. The Father who loves me more than I can ever comprehend. The protection, grace, and understanding that God pours onto me is far better than anything I could ever ask for. He wants me to come to Him just as I am, leaving all masks at His feet. He invites me to walk alongside Him while willingly and calmly speaking truth into my life and easing my doubts. His arms are open wide ready to embrace a bear hug no matter how many mistakes I have made. How insanely cool is that?!

I’m ready to show God all sides of who I am. The good, the broken, the raw emotions. He’s the only one who can completely satisfy and calm me down!

Things That Make You Go Hmmm…

There are about a hundred questions that go through my head on a daily basis. Who named the color blue, blue? Does my dog understand me when I say, “go get a drink of water”? Would I have the same friends I have right now if I went to a different college? Do ants scream when they see a giant shoe coming their way? My sister and I call these questions (that we hardly ever know the answers to) “things that make you go hmm…” You see, these things that make you go hmm can be completely ridiculous, insanely random, or incredibly deep. Majority of the time I can think of a question and in a blink of an eye be onto something else totally irrelevant. However, about 6 months ago I got stuck on a single question that truly changed my heart and my thought process. Let me back up a little and fill you in on how I stumbled upon this rather important thing that made me go hmm.

In the Fall of 2018 I decided to spend my entire summer vacation in Africa with an organization called “Love Africa Missions”. I did very little research into any other mission organizations because I had this calm assurance that this is where I am called to serve. I distinctively remember telling my friends and family that if I don’t go this summer who knows when or if this opportunity will ever come again. After a few phone calls to Love Africa Missions I was accepted to join the Big Four Team. 2 months, 4 countries, and 6,200 dollars. When I heard the total cost for the trip, I about backed out right there and then. Six thousand and two hundred dollars! Needless to say, that calm assurance I felt at the beginning of the process quickly vanished.

This is the very moment the question came to my mind… “If I feel called to go to Africa, will God truly provide?” I wrestled with this question for a few months on my own before opening up to one of my closest friends. I will never forget casually talking about how expensive the trip will be and after explaining my fear she bluntly said “Yee of little faith. Of course He will provide”. The phrase “Yee of little faith” definitely rubbed me the wrong way at first but honestly, it was the truth. I had little to no faith that God would provide. My anxiety about raising enough money was getting worse by the day. I couldn’t turn off my brain at night and constantly was checking my fundraising page for any updates. One night, I remember laying on my living room floor praying “I’m done, God. I can’t do it on my own and I give it all to you. If it’s truly your plan for me to go to Africa, then show me. If it’s not, show me. Your will be done.” It was the first time I had truly surrendered it all to Him and after praying, I could literally feel a weight off of my shoulders. I kid you not, fifteen minutes later I decided I would check my donation page one last time… And guess what!?! Someone anonymously donated 2,000 dollars!!!! I needed $1,850 to be 50% funded in order to meet my deadline that following week. How crazy cool is that?!

Artwork credit: Andrea Ingrid Lopez

That night and every single time I tell the story I instantly get goosebumps. God took my “thing that made me go hmm” and showed me that He is mighty, faithful, and powerful. God is so good to me. He truly has an amazing plan that’s way cooler and bigger than mine. He answers my enormous prayers as well as my seemingly minuscule prayers. He guides me, and he provides for me. He wants me to surrender and call upon Him for help.

I leave for Africa in 36 days!! I have grown and learned so much about my faith/who God is throughout my fundraising process. I am beyond stoked to now see what He will do to my heart while spending two months in Africa. I will continue to pray that instead of trying to do everything on my own (both in Africa and in the States) that I rely on God and give Him control.

Scream & Shout But Know Everything’s Gonna Be Alright

A few months ago, I was digging through my parent’s photo albums and I came across several funny as well as endearing pictures of my childhood.  I love reminiscing on the days when portable CD players and mood rings were what all the “cool kids” had. There’s also this indescribable joy that overwhelms my heart when I stumble across a picture from when my parents were kids and they begin to share their hilarious “back in the day…” stories.  My parents can share the same exact story over and over and over again and I will laugh just as hard as I did the first time.  When I reflect on my childhood as well as my parent’s, I notice a common theme: in the midst of stressful, sorrowful, and chaotic moments in life we typically take some time to scream and shout but eventually we know everything is going to be alright.

While gazing through pictures from when my parents had to tell me “no” a thousand times a day, I rediscovered a photo that never fails to make me giggle.  This embarrassing/hysterical image perfectly depicts the concept of scream now but eventually everything is going to be okay.  When I was just over two years old I was at a church gathering where kids had an opportunity to meet Cubbie the bear.  Most kiddos love the chance to sit on his lap, look at the camera, and say “cheese”.  However, I am not like most! When my mom sat me on the lap of the unnaturally gigantic human sized teddy bear, it didn’t take long before I was screaming, crying, and running for my life (if you think I’m exaggerating, look at the photo below).  Immediately after this moment was captured I sprinted into my mother’s arms and although I cannot remember this terrifying incident, I can only imagine that I believed it was the worst possible thing that could happen to me.

So often in life we are all faced with trials and tribulations that in the moment seem like the end of the world.  During these overwhelming and challenging times, I tend to see the problem in-front of me as a 20,000 foot mountain instead of taking a step back and realizing it’s really just a 24 inch molehill.  Just like when I screamed and cried in the presence of what is supposed to be a friendly bear, I often forget about the concept of perspective.  At the age of two if I had just taken a second to sit back and watch the other kids climb up on Cubbie’s lap and see that he is indeed just a costume, I could have saved myself a whole lot of tears as well as avoided a very sore throat.

Throughout the last few years some of the “molehills” that I have faced have been; totaling not one but two cars, student debt, puppies eating everything in sight, family members hospitalized, and loneliness.  I am not going to lie some of these challenges took multiple months for me to gain perspective and in all honestly some I’m currently still struggling with. Like I mentioned before, the hardest part for me is taking a step back and looking at the trial through a different viewpoint.  Instead of getting caught up in all the emotions that are always racing through my brain, I have to constantly remind myself that my life is not my own.  Often times what helps me stay afloat is the very real truth that God is in control and He has incredible plans for my future.

Logic in the midst of chaos typically helps me from drowning in my own pity party. It is safe to say that when I met Cubbie for the very first time I had zero logic and all emotion racing through my body.  I ran away from my “molehill” and straight into my mom’s arms.  Something that I recently discovered is that God places trials in our lives that are way too big to defeat on our own in order to force us to run into His arms.  Before discovering this concept, I would still run.  I ran to other friends, to parties, and to drinking away my problems.  But let me tell you, that lifestyle was so very unfulfilling, hopeless, and I always left feeling worse than when I showed up.  The feelings of protection and love that I had when I was two and I ran into my mother’s arms is the very same feeling that I receive when I turn to God in the midst of screaming and shouting. By no means am I saying that life is easy and I am not saying that there isn’t going to be sorrow because I know that people out there are facing far more challenging trials than I will ever have to. However, what I am saying is that with God there is hope.  He can comfort you in a way that you have never been comforted, He will love you with this unconditional love that will make you feel whole again, and He will provide for you if you just run to Him. Run to Him and He can make you whole again. Run to Him and He will show you that you have a purpose. Run to Him because He can do the impossible. Run to Him and he will show you that everything is going to be alright.  JUST RUN TO HIM.

Running & Butt Cheeks

Recently I participated in my first half marathon.  I used to say I would do anything for a metal until I spent multiple hours running 13.1 miles in the mountains of Asheville, NC. Don’t get me wrong, I loved the bonding that took place during training and after the race with my sister, bro-in-law, and uncle but I’ve learned that distance running is so not my thing! And when I say “not my thing” I mean if I ever break the law and need a severe punishment, running a marathon would undoubtedly set me straight.

One thing you ought to know about me is that I am one of the most random and easily distracted gals you’ll ever meet.  Sometimes this makes conversations with friends or cleaning my apartment an unbearably challenging task. I can honestly say there is never a dull moment inside my brain, my mind constantly jumps from one unfinished thought to another. However, there are also many positive attributes that arise from being a space cadet.  I truly believe the only reason a paramedic didn’t have to perform CPR on me at mile seven was because of my superpower like gift of ADD.

During the 13 mile adventure there must have been at least a couple hundred different thoughts, classroom ideas, possible inventions, and funny memories that zipped through my mind.  I distinctively remember creating a mind-blowing tennis shoe at the third mile marker.  With one leap these bright neon orange shoes magically transported you ten miles. This invention immediately made me giggle because I imagined what I would look like if I was flying in the air above all the other runners.  I like to think I would be screaming encouraging phrases such as “you’re doing great!” but more realistically I probably would be too focused on seeing how many flips I could complete before hurling or attempting to soar like Buzz Lightyear. Almost all of my amusing inventions and creative ideas left my brain as quickly as they had entered.  That was true for all but one memorable moment that I will forever be able to replay in my head and uncontrollably belly laugh each time.

A morning not too long ago, I was teaching fractions when I was radioed down to a general education classroom to assist one of my students. There’s always a distinct tone in teacher’s voices that I can typically pick up that helps me determine the urgency of the call. Depending on the tone I know it is either a “when you get a free minute can you stop by my room” or a “drop everything and run to my classroom” kind of call.  This particular morning it was a drop everything and run, so I immediately left and when I arrived to the classroom my student was kicking lockers and yelling profanity. I offered the student two options, to either take a break in my room or to go on a walk and talk.  She stated in an aggressive voice “Fine! Let’s walk and talk… at least then you can get your steps in on your fitbit!!” (win win in my book!)

Since I have an attention span of a fly I’ve learned that in order to give someone my full attention, I need to constantly be fidgeting with something.  So, while on a walk and talk with my student I simultaneously was twirling my lanyard around my finger while attempting to rationally talk about what was wrong. Except the problem solving only lasted about forty-five seconds before my student was agitated and no longer was walking next to me.  In a blink of an eye she was growling at everyone that walked past and clinching her fingers into fists.  In this quick change of pace, she decided to walk directly in front of my spinning lanyard. My keys were already in full motion and there wasn’t enough time for me to stop the momentum before they made contact with my student.  No words can express the unbearably loud yell that followed the halting motion of my lanyard. In the middle of the hallway (with almost every classroom door open) my kiddo screams, “HEYY! THAT WAS MY FAVOIRTE BUTT CHEEK!!!”

It is in these exact moments I’m unbelievably grateful that I am a five-year-old trapped in a twenty-four-year old’s body. I still giggle to myself when someone farts in yoga and I am 110% up for playing lava tag at any given time of day. My childlike characteristics make it extremely easy for me to relate to my students as well as use humor to quickly get them chuckling instead of snarling. As soon as my student shouted that my keys hit her favorite butt cheek we were laughing so hard (because honestly, who has a favorite butt cheek?!?!) that tears were streaming down our faces. We spent the next fifteen minutes talking about why it was her favorite and figuring out what butt cheek I favored.  In the end this seemingly silly moment made my kiddo completely forget about her frustrating moment in class and helped turn her day around. I am beyond thankful that God created my mind to be extraordinarily random as well as work at warp speed. Without this gift, I would have solely been focused on the fact that I had no feeling in my feet while running rather than laughing at the funny encounters I get to share with my students on a daily basis.

During the half marathon, about every ten minutes, in-between all of the huffing and puffing, a huge grin would appear on my face followed by a raspy chuckle as I recalled my student’s conversation about favorite butt cheeks. Let’s just say I’m incredibly grateful for both my hilariously entertaining students as well as my superpower like gift of ADD; together they helped keep a semi smile on my face while running the race. So, whenever you need a distraction from reality or something to brighten your day, just imagine an elementary student screaming at the top of her lungs, “that was my favorite butt cheek!!” and hopefully it will bring a smile to your face like it always does to mine.

A Chicago Girl Living in an Indiana World

A few weeks ago I was talking to a friend and she brought up the idea of starting my own blog.  I’ve always enjoyed writing and typically am much better at expressing my thoughts and feelings through written word.  Over a few conversations and weeks of prayer I have decided to sit down and start this daunting journey (even if only a handful of people read my posts).

I’ve thought long and hard about what to write and honestly I have no plan and not a single clue of where this will lead to.  I’m not going to lie the idea of starting a blog seems so far fetch that I almost can’t believe I’m doing it.  You see I look in the mirror and see a normal twenty-four year old.  I’ve never saved a child from a burning building nor do I have a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. In reality when I look in the mirror I simply see an ordinary person and I think to myself “why on earth would anyone want to read what I have to say?” But then I remember God used ordinary and seemingly no bodies throughout the entire scripture.  Although I may feel insignificantly small in a world that has a growing population of 7.4 billion people, I realize that God can use my average self just as much as he used Mary (an ordinary woman) to be the virgin mother of Jesus. I truly believe that He is able to use ordinary people (like me and you) in extraordinary ways!

I’m just  a Chicago girl living in an Indiana world.  I am a teacher that invests each day pouring into students with special needs.  Being a special education teacher guarantees daily hilarious, tears in your eyes, knee slapping stories that I’m bound to share.  I do clumsy and awkward things at least twice every half hour and each time I choose to laugh at myself because we all know laughter truly is the best medicine. My favorite person in the whole world is my Abuela (what I call my grandma -who if you can’t tell by the photo happens to be the LEAST photogenic human in Chicago). To be completely honest she is my best friend.

My Abuela has taught me how to be emotionally and mentally present when spending quality time with others, when and how to use sarcasm, and how to open up about your past no matter how difficult it may be. When I am with my Abuela I mostly remember how it’s the simple things in life we must cherish.  I never take for granted the seemingly silly conversations we chat about on the porch, the constant teasing about my nonexistent boyfriend, and the bonding we share over making Puerto Rican food. When I dwell on all my favorite memories I have shared with my Abuela they all have three common themes (1) simple moments filled with (2) joyful hearts and endless (3) laughter.

A Wednesday not too long ago I was having one of those mornings that no matter how hard you try nothing goes as planned.  You see my alarm didn’t go off at 5:30 like I intended the night before allowing me extra time to shower.  Unfortunately it was 7:05 when I leaped out of bed and was forced to rush out the door with an afro (which some people can pull off but take it from me… I am not one of those people).  When I arrived to school I only had five minutes to mentally prepare for the notorious Hump Day. I made sure my priorities were intact and headed to the cafeteria to fill up my coffee cup.  When I got back to my classroom I attempted to put my coffee mug on my desk before heading outside to greet my students.  But instead of gracefully setting my cup down, I tripped on absolutely nothing, and spilled every single drop on my desk. Now it was 7:30 and time to head out the door with my coffee-less self and negative attitude in check.

As I waited for my students to jump off the bus out of the corner of my eye I saw white tails sailing up and down.  I gazed at the forest next to school and saw four deer leaping in a playful manner.  In a blink of an eye my students were standing in front of me asking what I was looking at and why I was smiling.  I showed them the deer playing near the forest and they too were fascinated by the beautiful creatures.  One boy excitingly whispered to me, “Wow! That’s the very first real life deer I’ve ever seen” and another girl snickered, “Miss. R. They are playing tag! The taller one is you and the littler ones are us.” I couldn’t help but take a minute and soak in the simple but rather breathtaking moment with my kids.  I owe it all to the energetic deer who reminded me about the simplicity life offers as well as owing it to my children for their contagious joyful hearts and laughter that inevitably changed my attitude. My slightly frantic and clumsy morning turned into an unforgettable moment that I now savor.

That’s really all that you can do in this world.  Find those simple moments and cherish them.  No matter who you are, what you’ve done, or what mountain you are struggling to climb.  Choose to marvel at the simple joys of life.  Choose to laugh. Never stop laughing.  Like I have said, I am just a Chicago girl living in an Indiana world.  I don’t know everything and I’m not going to pretend like I do.  But I can say from my personal experiences and my own trials that taking a second to breathe in the simple moments, finding joy, and laughing have made some of my darkest days a little brighter.